It probably makes all the other stuff I’ve said non-issues. Our automatic instinct is to explode.It’s one thing to explode in anger to your sibling, best friend, or spouse, but it’s another thing to do it to your boss or another superior. You have your funny side, your compassionate side, your loving side, your nurturing side, your smart side, your hard-working side, and so many other sides.
You will fulfill your need to be giving in a healthy way that doesn’t set up these relationships where you are second best. How tiresome are they?
But the difference between people who do it all the time and the people who don’t is that the ones who don’t have learned not to do it and now know how to do it better.If you find it difficult to think before you speak, don’t beat yourself up over it. There are times when you realize you are an option and not a priority, and if you don’t realize it, you are haunted by the thought.When you get together with a certain someone, you feel like the third wheel or the last one invited to the party. Don’t continue to be their soft landing spot in life.This may send you into panic mode, and if it does, I’m sorry. But really, if you don’t like being an option and you don’t like being taken for granted and if you want more, you have to have “the talk.” I know this is the best thing and should be probably number one. Sure, you can try, but it won’t work.Taking back what you say is like trying to put air back in a balloon—it doesn’t work. If you are a giving person, give to a cause that will benefit from your good works. Words are long-lasting and affect other people’s actions.Once you say something, it is out there forever! And then when the emotional part of your brain doesn’t act as a filter for your words, you might say things you don’t mean. Chances are you’ve forgotten some.After internalizing your list, you’ll notice better when others don’t appreciate you, and you’ll know sooner to stop wasting emotional energy on them or to re-prioritize them as an option person, too.I don’t think we think about volunteering and charity as a self-help tool, but it can be.
And after you calmed down, you might have thought, “gee, I didn’t mean it like that.”You see, when you are angry, it shuts down the logical part of your brain and then your emotions rule yourself. If not, perhaps you shouldn’t say anything.Before you speak, consider the other person’s feelings.
Basically, it’s changing words to nicer ones.For example, back in the 1970s, people used to use the word “retarded” to describe a person who was mentally slower than average. You have said things before that you wish you hadn’t—and wanted to take back. Believe it or not, it will.
I’ve made friendships and relationships all about the other person, and sometimes I thought I was doing the right thing at the time. It doesn’t matter how much you try, it won’t change the fact that those words are out there—forever.
And it works! So while you need to be able to weather life on your own, you don’t want to become so comfortable that you lose you ability to have a meaningful relationship.Meaningful relations are all about being a priority.So while you need to be able to weather life on your own so you won’t settle or hang-on to the wrong people, you don’t want to become so comfortable that you lose you ability to have a meaningful relationship.I mention this one lastly because I believe many of you option people have tried so hard in life to be the accommodating one or to please someone or not to be upsetting or to be demanding in any way. It’s easy to jump to conclusions, get angry, and say things that may or may not be true. If you can’t keep your mouth shut, then an alternative is to just leave the room or situation. But instead of waiting for someone new to come to you, like “option people” do, you need to go out and meet new people, make new friends and contacts, and expand your horizons. Maybe you suspect you are some last minute arrangement. It’s easier for some people, while others find it nearly impossible.First, you should wait at least 5 or 10 seconds before you say anything, especially when you feel upset or angry. If you are in the latter category, then you will want to seriously think about these very important reasons why you should think before you say something you shouldn’t.When I was growing up, my mother taught me and my sisters not to use swear words. You can never take it back. So unless you want to be the doormat or someone’s whipping dog or slip back into being just an option, you have to move forward.Hope is a really great thing unless it is distorting your reality and derailing your future.Reading over other online posts, the number one reason people get stuck being an option and are unable to make themselves a priority is because they don’t believe there is someone or something better just ahead. If you automatically start criticizing and judging another person, they are going to get defensive. Make yourself and your needs a priority . Misquote: “If you build it, they will come." She may turn to self-loathing and start cutting herself. Well, this is something that she may carry with her for the rest of her life, especially if you say it often.She could easily become anorexic or develop some other problem. It is difficult for me not to look back on the good times with people and not think better times will come around, but realistically, you shouldn’t turn back.